Deconstructing Rudolph

[Splatterscribe]

A Note for the  Horrorwatchers:

Every year I usually  post a fairly twisted Christmas/holiday poem in December. Well, it occurred to me that I've taken the Christmas horror poem motif about as far as I can now without seriously repeating myself, so this year I offer a different sort of holiday treat.
Originally posted as a note on my Facebook page, the following piece is my personal breakdown of the Rankin/Bass stop motion classic Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer-as perceived years later through more experienced, adult eyes.
Enjoy..and happy holidays one and all!

-The Splatterscribe



      So I'm watching the original classic Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on CBS last night and it's the first time I've seen this program in a few years. I begin to notice a few things as I watch the story unfold and - by the time it's finished- it's occurred to me that, far from being a magical bit of whimsy, this is actually the story of an oppressive society  wherein anyone who thinks or looks different than the standard is shunned or exploited for the benefit of a cruel taskmaster .

    Consider this: In the opening scenes Rudolph is ridiculed by his father, who laments that- thanks to his nose ( a part of Rudolph's physiology that , by the way, has no effect whatsoever on flight speed, endurance etc) - his son will never be accepted as part of Santa's sleigh team as an adult. Then Santa- who, up until now, mythology has had us believe is a benevolent old elf handing out toys to all of the kids across the world- shows up and actually agrees with this cruel assessment, warning Rudolph's dad to fix the problem.

     Cut to some time later and Rudolph has been forced to hide his real nose with a prosthetic one which has the ancillary effect of causing him to sound as if he has a perpetual sinus infection . After being turned on by a cute little doe and subsequently demonstrating that he clearly has superior flying techniques to any of the other reindeer hopefuls , Rudolph's secret is uncovered and he is mocked, ridiculed and rejected. Does Santa step in and come to the kid's defense? Nope. The fat, bearded bastard  expresses his disappointment that Rudolph's nose wasn't fixed  by now and walks off in a huff.

    Okay,so cut to the elf workshop where  a young, blonde elf decides he doesn't want to make toys but would rather become  a dentist. He too is shunned and criticized, to the point where he feels it necessary to flee the workshop to avoid being forced into slave labor making toys for Santa, who by this point I had fully realized isn't so much a symbol of generosity and good will as he is a fairly sadistic control freak  forcing these mythological creatures to do his bidding .
 
    The runaway elf and the reindeer respectively cross paths during a blizzard and end up being pursued by a towering behemoth of an abominable snowman, but not before they make the acquaintance of  a genuinely bizarre character by the name of Yukon Cornelius, a man who has apparently made the brilliant career decision of prospecting for silver and gold in the middle of the fucking TUNDRA. Oh and it's right around this time in the program that we discover that the singing snowman narrator (who sounds like Burl Ives) is so afraid that the  story he's supposedly telling in flashback will inflict physical damage on him that  he'll cower behind his umbrella during the scary parts . Even more interesting than the concept that this  snowman believes his memories could conceivably  kill him is that fact that he chooses to wield a fairly common umbrella as his only line of defense against this perceived threat..but I digress.

    Having escaped the abominable snowman, the trio end up on the Island of Misfit toys. Okay, so now we're really hitting our stride as the socialist underpinnings of this entire northern society are coming out. Here we have a patchwork society of perfectly acceptable toys whose construction - if we're to understand how the process unfolds at Santa's workshop- had to have been given full sanction by the obese, red suited whip cracker in the first place.  I mean, really..one toy,we discover, was rejected and banished to live on an island because it's a "Charlie in the box", not a "Jack in the box", despite looking and functioning exactly like every other Jack in the box in history. Who built the damned toy? The elves, right? At Santa's instruction. So that means Kringle and his minions were also likely the ones who named it. Yet it's deemed unsuitable and shipped off to some frozen gulag to while away the unhappy years  with dozens of other toys, all of which poverty stricken children across the world would no doubt adore. Too bad Santa hates non conformity (and taking responsibility for his aesthetic decisions).

    The three friends finally find their way home, at which point  there's this big conflagration where they save their loved ones (who finally realized that someone as small as an elf and a young reindeer might not survive a gale force blizzard and went out to find them) from the abominable snowman, who has somehow managed to trap all of these geniuses in his cave..because the lair of a sixty foot, razor toothed snowbeast is where every intelligent being chooses to hide from the elements.

   In a totally dick move, they trick the giant snowbeast out of its home and the elf practices some unlicensed dentistry, removing the thing's teeth. And this is after they've dropped rocks on its head. So , now unable to chew anything and probably in copious amounts of pain, the creature freaks out and waves its arms. So what does Yukon Cornelius do? In an even bigger dick move, he knocks the creature over the edge of a dangerous precipice. To add stupidity to injury, Yukon grabs hold of this poor animal and ends up taking the plummet with the creature..at which point the rest of the characters sort of stare at their feet awkwardly , offer half-assed platitudes which state the obvious fact that he's gone and then shuffle off less than thirty seconds later,while the wussy snowman narrator helpfully explains that although they are all sad, they basically realize life goes on and they have other things to do. Again..this is stated thirty seconds after this guy hurls himself over the edge of a cliff, presumably to save them from the wrath of a now-toothless (and concussed) snowbeast.

    It's okay, though, because in a completely arbitrary and no doubt tacked-on-the- last-minute twist (to avoid the alternative, which was revealing that both Yukon and the snowbeast were smashed into hundreds of gory pieces on the rocks below) , Yukon shows up with the snowbeast in tow, the animal now domesticated (and even on a leash), claiming they owe their survival to the physics-defying rule that snowmen who hurtle toward the frozen earth from the uppermost edge of a five hundred foot high cliff wall actually bounce. The prospector makes this inexplicable declaration right as Santa finally succumbs to the fact that he's actually a douchebag hypocrite and asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh through an ongoing winter storm that threatens to ground all Christmas air traffic and seriously undermine the economy of the North Pole.

    Everyone smiles and the snowbeast- having seemingly been throughly abused into submission- places the star on the Christmas tree and everyone is happy. The End.

    The moral of the story?  Santa rules this winter wonderland with an iron fist and difference of any kind is not to be tolerated- unless the peculiarity in question can save the cruel overlord from  losing his job. Then everything's cool. At least Rudolph used his new pull with the powers that be to get the misfit toys off of that miserable island.

Let's hear it for the non conformists.

[GiveMeGore]

Damn dude......   that's some serious mental excursion put forth there. Impressive. Sad and arbitrary? Debatable. Impressive nevertheless. Was acid a part of your Rudolph watching experience? That sounds like an afternoon right there.

[Splatterscribe]

Damn dude......   that's some serious mental excursion put forth there. Impressive. Sad and arbitrary? Debatable. Impressive nevertheless. Was acid a part of your Rudolph watching experience? That sounds like an afternoon right there.

It may in fact be sad..but it is in no way arbitrary(and I don't drop acid). Watch the program again sometime, GMG. No kidding..that thing is almost Orwellian in its themes.  The core message seems to be "Difference is only good if it serves the purpose of the ruling party, otherwise anyone who doesn't conform to a set criteria is flawed and should expect to be rejected and/or expelled."  Merry Christmas, kids!

[GiveMeGore]

You could go this route too:

Maybe it's more of a coming of age story, young Rudolph is noticing some changes. A few more whiskers where whiskers werent before. Young Does all of a sudden make little Rudolphs candy cane stand at attention. Things are changing colors. He starts talking back to his old man......before he knows it, he's off with the faggy Denti-wanna-be, snorting lines off of that gold & silver fiend's penis shaft, just trying to find a way to communicate with his parents and find a comfortable medium to coexist with his peers. Luckily though, he finds that Island of Retards and Rejects and he finally finds some perspective. Maybe chillin out in a warn cave with my parents isnt so bad afterall.

sounds like the Unrated version. Rudolph the Rednosed Meth Addict. Coming soon.

[traumamama]

Nice work, Splat!  I've had problem with the movie for years.  It's based off of the song, yet Santa's not a dick in the song.  The reindeer are mean to Rudolph, then Santa asks him to lead the sleigh.  But anyway, I don't like the message from either.  If there's something aesthetically wrong with you, no one will like you until you do something to save the day?  And in the movie, Santa is seriously a terrible person. Basically "I don't want anything to do with you until you get that shit fixed."

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't an annual tradition to sing the song and watch the movie.

[GiveMeGore]

.......I'm waiting on you Splatt......That Cracker Frosty and his 'for show' only pipe has it coming, I can smell it.......

[GeneralCinema]

I'm not sure what was funnier.  Splatt's story or GMG's responses.  At any rate, I'm gonna have to watch it again with this printed out.

[BadKitty]

      So I'm watching the original classic Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on CBS last night and it's the first time I've seen this program in a few years. I begin to notice a few things as I watch the story unfold and - by the time it's finished- it's occurred to me that, far from being a magical bit of whimsy, this is actually the story of an oppressive society  wherein anyone who thinks or looks different than the standard is shunned or exploited for the benefit of a cruel taskmaster .

    ...

    The moral of the story?  Santa rules this winter wonderland with an iron fist and difference of any kind is not to be tolerated- unless the peculiarity in question can save the cruel overlord from  losing his job. Then everything's cool. At least Rudolph used his new pull with the powers that be to get the misfit toys off of that miserable island.

Let's hear it for the non conformists.

I hate to ask but - you only just realized this?  Man, that whole show was just deeply, deeply disturbing.  Elves suck. 

[Splatterscribe]

      So I'm watching the original classic Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on CBS last night and it's the first time I've seen this program in a few years. I begin to notice a few things as I watch the story unfold and - by the time it's finished- it's occurred to me that, far from being a magical bit of whimsy, this is actually the story of an oppressive society  wherein anyone who thinks or looks different than the standard is shunned or exploited for the benefit of a cruel taskmaster .

I hate to ask but - you only just realized this?  Man, that whole show was just deeply, deeply disturbing.  Elves suck. 

Your question seems to be inspired by the sentence I've highlighted in black . To answer: No,not at all. I merely employed this device as a means to adopt a more conversational tone with the essay since I was writing it for the sake of humor, not academia. I've been aware of the  bizarre socio-political characteristics of what has somehow gone on to become a beloved children's classic for a number of years- this is just the first occasion on which I felt compelled to write about it.

Here's a question in deference to your comment that elves suck: We know about the elves assisting Santa as well as the inhabitants of Middle Earth from the Tolkien universe..where do the Keebler guys enter into it? It seems odd that there's this apparent splinter group of elves living in a tree somewhere, amassing a vast fortune as they provide snack food to the human race , yet none of the other elves seem to mention them. Was there some falling out? Did the Keebler elves break away from elven society as a whole because they also think elves suck as a rule? Are they self loathing elves? Of all the elvish characters we've seen depicted in print or  visual mediums , they seem to be the most benign. They certainly do not demonstrate any reluctance toward interacting with Homo Sapiens..in fact, they've constructed their entire marketing strategy around it.  I'm convinced there's an interesting story playing out there behind the scenes.

[GiveMeGore]

Here's a question in deference to your comment that elves suck: We know about the elves assisting Santa as well as the inhabitants of Middle Earth from the Tolkien universe..where do the Keebler guys enter into it? It seems odd that there's this apparent splinter group of elves living in a tree somewhere, amassing a vast fortune as they provide snack food to the human race , yet none of the other elves seem to mention them. Was there some falling out? Did the Keebler elves break away from elven society as a whole because they also think elves suck as a rule? Are they self loathing elves? Of all the elvish characters we've seen depicted in print or  visual mediums , they seem to be the most benign. They certainly do not demonstrate any reluctance toward interacting with Homo Sapiens..in fact, they've constructed their entire marketing strategy around it.  I'm convinced there's an interesting story playing out there behind the scenes.

Interesting. I too have contemplated this exact scenario you've outlined.....  my conclusion? You think Goldman Sachs had some corrupt mofos that oozed their way into the White house during the George W administration? Those bail-out bitches can't hold Keeblers jock when it comes to corruption. Beyond their dabbling in drugs, whores, guns, and gambling.....their main goal was to really grab a strong hold on the cookie market. So instead of hiding their ways behind some sweat shop in Middle Korea, they portray their "employees" or Elves, as happy little buggas, living the dream producing sweet treats for kids right in front of our eyes. Little do we, John Q Public, have no idea their getting paid slave wages, giving hallucinogens on a daily basis, and forced to takes shits next to Tarzan in the woods during their one-4 minute break every 18 hour shift. Also, have you ever seen a black Elve? I guess Keebler never got that "Affirmative action" memo. Pricks.

[BadKitty]

Here's a question in deference to your comment that elves suck: We know about the elves assisting Santa as well as the inhabitants of Middle Earth from the Tolkien universe..where do the Keebler guys enter into it? It seems odd that there's this apparent splinter group of elves living in a tree somewhere, amassing a vast fortune as they provide snack food to the human race , yet none of the other elves seem to mention them. Was there some falling out? Did the Keebler elves break away from elven society as a whole because they also think elves suck as a rule? Are they self loathing elves? Of all the elvish characters we've seen depicted in print or  visual mediums , they seem to be the most benign. They certainly do not demonstrate any reluctance toward interacting with Homo Sapiens..in fact, they've constructed their entire marketing strategy around it.  I'm convinced there's an interesting story playing out there behind the scenes.

Hmmm.  I will need to consider this and get back to you with the detail the query deserves.  RI realized two days ago that I am way behind getting ready for Yule, so ...