Quote of the Day

[traumamama]

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

--Mitch Hedberg

[Splatterscribe]

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

--Mitch Hedberg

My close friend Andy (who himself passed away just about two years ago at the tragically young age of 27,the result of a fall from the rafters at his place of work)  introduced me to the comedian's work literally a month before Mitch died. It was like meeting a new friend only to lose him immediately. That was harsh.

Here's the exact quote that sealed the deal and made me a resolute fan of Hedberg's particular genius  :

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work."

That man was brilliant.

[GiveMeGore]

"I would, but unfortunately I'll probably vomit all over this bar if I drank a Coors Light right now"

GMG when approached by a New England Patriot Cheerleader at a bar this Sunday after she attempted to get me to buy a Coors light during their promotional nonsense that was going on.....

Smoooooooooooooth GMG.......real smooth. Breathtaking beauty wearing almost nothing comes up to you and the word "Vomit" is used during the first sentence of my response. Moron.

[WL Paynecraft]

Coors Light is good for game day's when you want to start drinking at noon, but you want to try and make it until late night to party with normal people who don't start drinking at noon on Saturday's. 

[traumamama]

"I would, but unfortunately I'll probably vomit all over this bar if I drank a Coors Light right now"

GMG when approached by a New England Patriot Cheerleader at a bar this Sunday after she attempted to get me to buy a Coors light during their promotional nonsense that was going on.....

Smoooooooooooooth GMG.......real smooth. Breathtaking beauty wearing almost nothing comes up to you and the word "Vomit" is used during the first sentence of my response. Moron.

Hey, at least it was word vomit instead of actual vomit.

[GiveMeGore]

Coors Light is good for game day's when you want to start drinking at noon, but you want to try and make it until late night to party with normal people who don't start drinking at noon on Saturday's. 

Yeah I mean if I'm looking to toss down 27 beers one day, alright....Coors Light will probably do the trick. But when I'm watching a game at a bar and only doing 4-5, I don't give a fuck if they're 1.99 for a 16 once, I'm spending my money on a quality brew.

Good point Traum....... I haven't been yacking too much lately. Just peeing. I realized Thanksgiving morning I pissed in my dirty clothes hamper the night before. Fucking soaking wet. Ridiculous.

[Marshal Earp]

I like cheap beer. I'm tired of pretending I don't.

When I was young I drank cheap beer because I was poor, than in my late twenties I drank expensive mostly since that's what people who have a few dollars are supposed to do.

Now in my mid 30's, Fook all that shit. I buy Beast Light by the 30 pack and love every damn sip of that swill. I only wish I could get it in bottles. In this commie state known as PA we have goverment controlled stores where they have no 6 packs and no selection.

[GiveMeGore]

I like cheap beer. I'm tired of pretending I don't.

When I was young I drank cheap beer because I was poor, than in my late twenties I drank expensive mostly since that's what people who have a few dollars are supposed to do.

Now in my mid 30's, Fook all that shit. I buy Beast Light by the 30 pack and love every damn sip of that swill. I only wish I could get it in bottles. In this commie state known as PA we have goverment controlled stores where they have no 6 packs and no selection.

No 6ers? You serious? What kind of fudge packers are running that friggin state? What are you supposed to do during the week? Buy a 12 pack, tell yourself you're only going to do 4-6 and pretend like the other half isnt going to get housed? That's what I call supporting alcoholism.....no 6 packs. That's fucking Tom Foollary!

[Splatterscribe]

"It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a race car.
Is any of this getting through to you?"
 
- Fry, Futurama

[Splatterscribe]

"What's the matter with you? I thought Mothers were supposed to be sweet and nice and patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding. "

Gus (Denis Leary) , The Ref

Just watched this again yesterday. One of the all time great dark comedies set at Christmas time.

[GiveMeGore]

"You remember Ruby Sue?"
"Oh yeah. Oh my gosh, her eys aren't crossed anymore."
"That's something ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I don't know."

Christmas Vacation

[Splatterscribe]

"You remember Ruby Sue?"
"Oh yeah. Oh my gosh, her eys aren't crossed anymore."
"That's something ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I don't know."

Christmas Vacation

My favorite line in the film is from this same scene.

"You surprised Clark?"
"Surprised? Eddie, if I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't more surprised than  am right now."

I had my annual viewing of this about a week ago, with some old friends. Movie is still capable of cracking up an entire room.

[GiveMeGore]

"I have these gifts for you, they're up in my buuuuuuuuuuuuuum"

"Ding fries are done, ding fries are done, ding fries are done, ding fries are done.....would you like an apple pie with thaaaaat, would you like an apple pie with thaaaaaaat, ding fries are done"

A Peter Griffin Christmas.

[Splatterscribe]

"To My Democrat Friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"


- comment posted on a Yahoo page by a user calling themselves Unnamed Source

Best..comment..ever.

[GiveMeGore]

"To My Democrat Friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"
- comment posted on a Yahoo page by a user calling themselves Unnamed Source
Best..comment..ever.

Brilliant.

I just sent a mass email at work to those around the building I actually give 2 shits about. It was a picture of Darwin with a Santa hat and "Happy Giftmas" written above him. Irony shouldnt come this easy.